struggling

"sometimes at night,
when i am afraid,
i cover my eyes,
to cover my shame.

so here in the dark,
broken apart,
come with Your light,
and fill up my heart..."

these words of bebo norman's "great light of the world" hit me hard tonight. with only 10 days now until i'll be back home, i am afraid. just ten days away from the goal i've been seeking all year... and what emotion overwhelms me? fear. of all the available emotions, fear wasn't what i was expecting to feel. i'm half way done with my undergraduate degree, but don't really know what i've accomplished. i'm scared about how fast it's gone, yet always want time to go faster. worry envelopes and controls me. i guess it's just that there are so many unknowns in my future...

what exactly will i be doing this summer? will i have a job for the whole time? will i have enough time and money to take summer classes? will i be able to find a car? and what about next year? where exactly will i be living? did i register for the right classes? will i find a good job here at wsu? will i find a professor to do research for? am i going to be as unhappy as i was this year? do i even have the right to be unhappy? can i handle being away from eric again? will i actually graduate in four years? will i be able to get into grad school? what will i do after that? will i still be with eric? will i be getting married? will i find a job in the schools? will i find the right church? and once all that has come and gone, will i be happy?

these are just a few of the questions that seem to constantly race through my mind. reading over them, i feel so foolish. why is it that i cannot simply trust in the promise that i will be taken care of? and why is it that i cannot enjoy each day for its own beauty and just be content with the present for once?

i'm not so much liking the person i've become of late. this realization is a painful one, for sure. perhaps i should begin to make some serious changes. one last question seems appropriate...

will i humble myself and let God shape me anew?

the finish line is now within sight!

hey ya'll!

oh boy, that makes me sound like jessica simpson in that dumb pizza hut commercial. oh well...

wow - the last couple of weeks have really been a whirlwind! i seriously had several meltdowns in the process of making it to this point. thankfully, on tuesday i finished pretty much the last of the academic work required of me - until it's time to begin preparing for finals, that is. but that's a couple weeks away, so now i've got a while to just kinda chill and finish up some other end of the year tasks.

end of the year!! that certainly is a lovely sounding sentence. i am oh so ready to be heading home and to not focus on school or pullman anymore. i just got a job confirmation, so i will be starting full time work at pinnacle real estate management in downtown seattle just a couple days after i return home. it is such a relief to know i will have a source of income at least for awhile (it's not certain how long they'll have work for me). still, i'm so thankful! we'll just have to see all that the summer brings... i may be taking classes at bcc, could possibly also be working at hallmark, and who knows what else. in between of all of of that though, i know i'll be spending lots of time with my family, friends who i don't get to see often enough, and my wonderful boyfriend eric, of course! ; )

speaking of eric... i can't wait to see him... in just one day! tomorrow i'm being quite the rebel and skipping all my classes to head home early for my last weekend visit before i'm back for the summer. it's kind of fun because i really have no set plans for the weekend (other than seeing eric and the fam), which is really odd for me - i typically have a whole agenda. it'll be nice to just kick back, relax, and see what happens! hopefully we'll get sunny, cheerful weather!

well, i guess i should move along and accomplish something productive... take care, folks!